Laid in Chelsea Page 15

  When I woke up the following morning she was still obviously very upset and I felt like the biggest arsehole in the universe. I was gutted too, but in my heart I knew it was the right thing to do. As I went to leave she walked over to her dressing table, picked up a make-up brush and handed it to me, saying, ‘Here, take it. You’ve been looking for one this good for ages. Have it to remember me by.’ To be fair, it was an amazing brush and I did need one so, awfully, I took it. In fact it was one of the best break-up mementoes I’ve ever had. Including U2’s best album.

  We’d had a few days to think about things and cool off when Alex persuaded me to take her for dinner and make one last go of things. He thought we were a good match and he didn’t want me rushing into ending things on a whim.

  We did rekindle our romance briefly, but that was a mistake, and we ended up splitting up again on camera only a week later, which was far worse than the original break-up. We were at a charity evening on a boat and we went on deck to talk. In truth, I think we both knew how the night was going to end. I couldn’t look at her because I knew how much I was going to upset her and I felt awful. We were both so nervous because breaking up is hard enough, let alone on camera with a whole crew watching such an intimate moment. It was the first break-up on Made in Chelsea, but obviously not the last.

  But at the end of the day, I knew it had to be done, and when I woke up the next morning I felt horrendous but also an overwhelming sense of relief. Of course I still cared immensely about Gabriella and wanted her to be OK, which, rightly or wrongly, I’m going to use as an excuse for why I ended up sleeping with her several times following our split. In retrospect, it was wrong and it goes against everything I believe in. I have no explanation for why we did it, but the needy part of me wanted some company and, shamefully, sex. And we did have great sex.

  But our drunken fumbles were to become a thing of the past, and I was ready to move on. Little did MIC audiences know then that my next love interest would be a guy.

  Shortly after Gaby and I split up I sat down with some of the producers to talk about this recent change in my life. I told them that I had dated a couple of guys in the past, and that this may well have had something to do with my break-up with Gaby. I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to share this side of my life with the producers, my family, friends and old teachers, who still didn’t know about my past relationships with guys.

  Discussing this in the show meant that I wasn’t going to have a straightforward coming-out story, I would be doing this in front of two million people, including everyone I have ever dated and been to school with.

  I had seen friends coming out to their parents over the years, and I knew how hard they found it.

  I decided that if I was going to do this – come out on national TV – I wanted it to have a big impact to help other gay or bisexual men and women who may be struggling to accept who they are. I’ve heard such awful things about people feeling completely tortured because they can’t talk to anyone about their sexuality. What kind of an example would I have set if I’d lied about who I was?

  I knew my mum had to be the first person I told, and I chose to tell her by the Peter Pan statue in Kensington Palace Gardens, because it’s one of my favourite places in London.

  I felt both terrified and happy that I was finally going to get this off my chest. I had no idea how she would react.

  We had a lovely walk around the park before I guided her to the statue. I stood there for about three minutes not really knowing what to say. Eventually I turned to her and said, ‘Mum, I love you. I feel there comes a point in my life that I need to be completely honest with you.’

  After a long pause I said, ‘I’m not sure how I feel about guys and girls, I think I might quite like them both.’

  Mum was amazing about it and even said, ‘Let’s open the champagne!’ I couldn’t have loved her any more in that moment. She made me so proud. We were both very emotional and she hugged me and it really couldn’t have gone better.

  That same evening I sat my dad and sister down to tell them everything. It was the last thing they expected to hear, but like Mum they were totally fine about it.

  I later filmed a scene at my flat with Binky where I talked about my bisexuality, and I even went on a date with a guy. I felt that it was important to address my sexuality on the show, and hope that by doing it I’ve helped others embrace who they really are.

  Made in Chelsea has changed my life and enabled me to do things that I would never have had the chance to do. Like giving talks and debates at both Cambridge and Oxford Universities, which are two of my proudest moments of the last few years.

  Having gone to drama school in Cambridge, the city will always have a special place in my heart, so I was thrilled to be invited back to take part in a debate at the Cambridge Union.

  We were up against the Footlight students in a comedy debate entitled: ‘I’d rather live in Cambridge than Chelsea’. I was asked to put together a small team of people from MIC, so I chose Mark Francis, Freddie and Francis Boulle. I wanted us to be a comedy team: Freddie is very, very clever, Francis is a dry intellectual and Mark is hilarious. It was the perfect combination.

  I was shocked at how many people came along to watch the debate – it was apparently one of the biggest turnouts they’d ever had. Who knew – top-flight academics also like reality TV!

  The whole thing was such fun; it was set in the Cambridge debating chambers, and each team had to get up and put forth its reasons for why it should win the debate.

  When it was my turn to speak I made a joke which seemed to go down well. I talked about my time in Cambridge and how I’d taken part in the Varsity Ben & Jerry’s eating competition, after which I ended up with my head so far down the toilet I could see Oxford. That ended up getting more of a laugh than anything else.

  After the debate I was approached by a young English student that we will call Chrissie. She was blonde and had a face like a china doll, and I remember being struck by how incredibly beautiful she was.

  When she said her name was Chrissie I thought she said Cressida, which is the name of one of the characters in a Shakespeare play I had recently read. OK, fine, listened to as part of a Radio 4 comedy play once. When I asked her why her parents would name her after a cheating slut, she smiled a knowing smile and said, ‘My name is actually Chrissie and I won’t study Troilus and Cressida until next year.’ I was well and truly put back in my box.

  At that point I decided it was time to whip out the monologue that Troilus vents to his friend after Cressida betrays him. I decided that it would prove that I wasn’t just a reality TV idiot but an academic with a penchant for sixteenth-century playwrights, even if it was untrue.

  It seemed to work as we arranged to meet at Cindy’s, the legendary local club at which I’d snogged the Polish cleaner all those years ago. I ended up doing shots at the bar with one of Chrissie’s friends, Toby. He ran the punting in Cambridge, so at midnight we snuck out, unlocked the boats and started punting down the River Cam fuelled by a bottle of tequila and candles. We had a blanket on our legs, which is perfect for a snuggle grope, and one thing led to another and Chrissie and I ended up kissing.

  It was 6.30am and I was filming later on that day. I met Cheska in a bookshop and pretended that I had stayed in the night before, when in fact I smelt so bad that I was offered a Smint by the owner of the shop. She disguised it as a welcome gesture, though I’m fairly sure it was because I smelt like an alcoholic. Chrissie loved the show and gave me her granny cardigan to wear for my next scene, which happened to be the one in which I first mentioned my desire to write this very book.

  Chrissie and I stayed in touch and ended up seeing each other for a while. I loved the fact that I had an excuse to go back and forth to Cambridge again and I made the journey every other weekend, even taking the train just so I could feel like a proper student again. If I have one regret in life it’s that I didn’t work my arse off at school and try to get
into Oxbridge rather than go to Cirencester. I will always have a huge place in my heart for Cambridge but sadly it wasn’t to be with Chrissie.

  Eventually, as is often the way, the visits became more infrequent, along with the texts to one another, which before long stopped altogether. I admit that is an easy and lazy way to avoid a break-up, though I still think under certain circumstances it is an acceptable way to do things.

  Female friends of mine say they would much rather a guy told them straight that he didn’t want to see them again instead of just not texting or calling, but I think it softens the blow a bit. I guess you have to gauge it according to the person and the relationship, but personally I would rather things just fizzle out than make a dramatic statement. I would find it very hard to say to someone: ‘I’m just not that into you’.

  Not long after things ended with Chrissie, I met someone else – an amazing girl who I really fell for. She was kind and loving and anyone would be lucky to be in a relationship with her. An incredible summer passed and she came onto the show for the second season, so if you watched it you’ll know who she is, but for various reasons I’ve decided not to go into detail about her or our relationship here.

  However, as we got further into the series, it became very clear that Gabriella was still hung up on me. We were both trying to move on but when I started to spend more time with my new girlfriend, problems arose. I ignored Gabriella’s phone calls and voicemail messages for the first time ever and it eventually came to the point where I knew I would have to explain myself to her. So one afternoon a few weeks later I sat Gaby down, face to face, and told her that I was seeing someone else, and that I really liked her. I later found out she called Cheska in tears. I hated the fact she was upset, but it wasn’t like I was going out of my way to hurt her. I wanted the best for her and was desperate for her to meet someone amazing and be happy.

  It was my fault entirely. I should never have carried on sleeping with her; it only gave her hope that we would continue as we were all those months ago in Thailand. We hadn’t spent any time apart and we had carried on as though we were still together, but the sad thing was that, for me, it was over the day I met my new girlfriend.

  When my new relationship became official, Gabriella found it very difficult. She was still in love, and whether through jealousy or wanting attention, she became harder to get along with. She was clearly really fucked up about the whole situation and it must have been awful to see her ex’s public relationship playing out on the Daily Mail online. But the difficulty was that she had become good friends with my friendship group. She hadn’t known them before we got together, and normally when a relationship ends you go back to the friends you had before. But Gaby had become best friends with Binky and Cheska, she wore a Union Jack dress to a premiere and became very friendly with my sister. She even went to stay at my dad’s house for a weekend. Then there was that infamous music video with several lookalikes of me. I didn’t know what to think. I just wanted to focus on my relationship and at that time nothing else mattered.

  It was around about this time that Gaby’s relationship with Cheska got really awkward. Even though they were good friends, Cheska’s loyalty would always lie with me, and so she would fight my corner when Gabs was making things difficult about my new relationship.

  One night it all got really tense. Cheska and Gabs were outside Maggie’s and they were talking about the fact that I was seeing someone new. Gabriella got very emotional and started crying and asking how I could do it to her.

  Cheska listened but she said that something inside her clicked that night and she knew she had to tell Gaby some home truths because enough was enough.

  She basically told her the truth; that we were never getting back together, and she needed to realise that sooner rather than later. They ended up screaming at each other on the streets of Chelsea, and walking off in separate directions, which was the start of things going very sour between them.

  Their friendship was up and down for a while after that and even up until recently they were having a few ‘moments’, shall we say. But everything changed in the last six months and now Gabs is over it all. She decided to leave Chelsea and the show, and now she has started a new life in LA.

  Even without all that drama, the course of true love never runs smooth – particularly for me – and after seven months my new girlfriend and I broke up. I was devastated. But that is one relationship I’m keeping to myself.

  Now there are few things more awful than seeing your ex for the first time after that hideous break-up, and you can rest assured that it will be either on your first Walk of Shame – unbrushed, unshowered, hungover and on a bacon and egg run to Tesco on Sunday morning – or if you are really unlucky it will be on your third date with the guy you ended up on a blind date with after the office party. Only once or twice in the history of relationship stories has there been the perfect ex run-in – the infamous one where you just happen to be helping an injured model across the road while on the way to a black tie ball, having just got out of the Ferrari you won for the day in the office tombola.

  Let’s face it, usually it happens when most of us look awful, and we are picking out gherkins in Asda with our completely un-sexual friend.

  So here are some pointers to help you get through those purely hideous moments that you will inevitably encounter!

  • The most likely scenario is that you will see him or her while shopping, hungover, at Tesco on Sunday. This means that the chance of them being with a new prospective partner is greatly increased. If this happens, avoid the aisles that show you to be a desperate spinster or merely a lonely man, as their new partner is undoubtedly perfect. Rule out the loo roll, vaginal hygiene products, chocolate, wine and dental floss and instead aim for the boxes of condoms, the salad, cucumber (makes them think of a penis, works for both sexes) and sparkling water – even if you don’t like it, buy it, it makes you look sophisticated.

  • Whatever happens, do not cry and hide behind a trolley eating a chocolate mousse – it’s never a great look.

  • Always make sure you look amazing before you leave the house, and if you look like shit, just blame it on the fact that you were up all night (they’ll know what you mean).

  • Remember if you are in a supermarket then you have an abundance of products around you that will make you look better, so dash to the make-up aisle and grab a bronzer, then let them know that you have been on holiday with the girls/guys.

  • If you happen to run into your ex in a nightclub, this is dangerous, because you are under the influence of the one substance that will make you emotional, have low inhibitions and, to make matters so much worse, it even makes people better-looking. In this situation, avoid your ex at all costs. If you must, kiss them on both cheeks and then head for the dancefloor as quickly as possible. Do not ponder or even let your mind think about how good the sex used to be.

  • If you run into them when you’re on a date, this is awkward, but for you it’s also the dream. It shows you are moving on and other people want to have sex with you, which is wonderful and will drive your ex mad with jealousy.

  • If you run into your ex while he/she is on a date, smile and walk away. Don’t cry (yet), just go and get a bottle of your favourite alcohol, then head home and get drunk with friends. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO DO THIS!

  It was really hard to go through another break-up on the show, and by the time Series 3 came around I found myself single and hating it. That series was a really strange one for me. After the emotional rollercoaster of break-ups in the first two series, I wanted to take a bit of a back seat and just do what I always wanted to do, which is make people laugh. All I wanted was to have memories of an amazing experience that I could keep forever, no matter where I might end up later on.

  Before starting the show Binky was in a relationship with a Chelsea boy but they broke up before filming began. Binky was understandably devastated and in the hope of moving on she took the opportunity to go on a date
with Spencer. Nothing happened between them, but that was the start of Binky and Spencer becoming very close friends.

  I have to admit, Cheska and I found that quite hard. I don’t see Spencer very often and we aren’t close friends, although we’d occasionally see each other through the show and get along well. So when in one episode Binky turned to Spencer and said, ‘You can be my new Ollie Locke’, I was devastated. It ripped me apart, though Binky and I have never actually spoken about it. She is amazing because she’s so laid-back, which is why it’s never felt right to raise it with her. She wouldn’t have meant it, it wouldn’t have even crossed her mind she might have upset me. She’s so chilled out that she’ll turn up on the set of MIC in tracksuit bottoms. It was perfect when in one episode she turned up to a pyjama party in a scruffy old T-shirt when all the other girls were wearing ridiculously skimpy underwear they had bought from Agent Provocateur. I love that about her. She loves dressing up, but at the same time she’s happiest in a holey jumper and some leggings. That’s how I prefer her; she still looks amazing and I think everyone watching the show can see that’s how she is. After doing Made in Chelsea for three years, I have never heard one bad word said about Binky. The whole country loves her, as they bloody well should! Binky and Cheska are my rocks; we’re always there for one another and I can’t think of many other people I’d want to spend so much time with. In fact I don’t seem to be able to live without them – and I’m still living with them now, well, one of them …

  During season one, I lived with the guys in the flat that boasted the famous roof terrace and the Gabriella ‘if you were stuck on a desert island, I’d call 999’ front door. But there came a point when I decided that it was time to grow up and buy my own place – which was terrifying as only a year before my mum had been bailing me out of parking tickets and Congestion Charge fines.